Today I cut back the leaves of my houseplant. I felt bad...I loved this plant, it gave me such joy to watch it grow and to nourish it. I loved providing life to something...even just a plant, it was a joy and a pride to watch it flourish. I had stopped caring for the plant as I should have in the past 12 weeks. It went without water more often than not, and during a few very hot days I was out of town it was stifled in the bathroom...it hasn't been sitting out in the sun, I used to take it out on my porch every so often so it would get some health rays. It has been neglected.As I considered this once luscious plant who leaves were now wilted on straggly vines and whose leaves had turned various shades of brown and yellow I felt guilty. Perhaps it would just be easier to throw the thing out, forget how I had failed my little plant and when the time was better get a new one. Just start fresh and over. But I considered the joy I had received from the plant and how it was my doing which caused its sad state.
Should I just cut all the once long beautiful vines so it could restart and maybe come back thicker and healthier?
Putting scissors to it seemed so...hard. To cut away the vines and through that action admit failure...yet I needed to start the conscious process of nursing it back to life. I would like to bring it back to health. The act, although it would require patience, would make me feel fulfilled.
Still, cutting away the old in the hope of something new is an uncomfortable feeling. What if the new does not come?
Jamaica left me with many wilted leaves and straggled vines in my soul, yet also created a root system that had to dig much deeper to grow and thrive. Over the past two and a half years I have struggled to come to terms with this and sort out the experiences which left me parched and empty, as well as those that strengthened and formed me. What if I never look back to Jamaica and confront the memories, wounds, joys and sufferings with the shears in my hand? If I never start dealing with the damage...how can I fully come back to health? I believe healing is possible for all wounds...but it requires courage...walking forward even when you are afraid of what you will find...and what if I fail? Still...a leaf here, and vine there...water consistently. Healing is possible. Better to cut off a few yellowing leaves then ignore all of them because I am afraid I will never come back fully to life. It is time to start pruning. I will do the best I can. And for me, pruning begins with writing, and writing, and writing...until things become real. And Peace reigns in my heart once again. Adonai...water me, refresh me, help me grow.
