As the days pass I think about coming home more and more. In some ways I know that I have not been here very long, in other ways this feels like the longest two months of my life. At times it is hard imagining making it through one more day let alone another month or a month after that. This past week I have been sick and unable to work. Even if I wanted to muster up the energy to travel on city transportation to work it wouldn't be wise to bring even a bad cold to mothers who are expecting or have newborns or kids who have such a low immune system anyway due to HIV. It has been one long, boring, homesick week.
Even so - living here is not easy. I knew it would not be easy before I left. I had been in Jamaica before, I knew what I was getting myself into. I have found that some of the things I thought would be hard are not hard anymore. Due to a couple scary experiences when I was little I have carried with me a reserve towards the mentally disabled population. I didn't feel comfortable around them and imagining coming to Jamaica to work with large groups of them kindve terrified me but I was willing to jump into it anyway remembering the words Our Lord gave Saint Francis.
"Francis, if thou desirest to know My will, thou must despise and hate all that thou hast loved and wished for till now. Let not this new path alarm thee, for, if the things which now please thee must become bitter and distasteful, those which now displease thee, will become sweet and agreeable." Shortly before his death he declared that what had seemed to him most bitter in serving the lepers, had been changed into what was pleasing both for soul and body; and all those who strive to overcome themselves for the love of God feel, as he did, that the severest practices are soon softened down by the unction of grace. http://www.catholicforum.com/I am amazed to say that I have experienced this here in Jamaica. I have found that I love working with the developmentally disabled population, particularly the children here. I realized that this is something I can actually imagine myself doing as a job and enjoying it. Before I came here I would be amazed by people that worked with the mentally disabled population and said they loved it. I didn't understand and I thought that it required a pretty amazing person who was able to do that. Now I know that it just requires a person who has a lot of love to give and takes the time to get to know each person with disabilities as an individual. Because in turn, each one of them has a lot of love stored up within them that they are yearning to exchange with you even if it is only through the eye contact they can make. This perhaps has been the biggest gift I have received from being here. Having my eyes opened, my heart touched, and hope for my future.
As far as living in the culture of Jamaica: it is as I expected. Very hard. I knew that it would be hard, and no amount of preparation could teach me that although I read up about the culture and tried to understand it as best as I could before I came. Everything is different here. Everything seems more difficult. A society does not become this violent over night. Everyday I see school children throwing rocks at each other as a way of dealing with their anger. The threaten to beat each other on a regular basis over little things as I ride home from work. These kids are the same ones who I see being hit by adults on the streets, or the ones you know are being abused at home. When do they change from the darling little toddlers that know no fear of strangers and will jump into my arms to the angry eight year old that will say inappropriate things to me as I pass by? And I live with the results of their upbringing every day as I witness the ways men and women relate here and in turn relate to me.
Today I went to the Doctor since I have been sick for a week. He gave me a prescription and hopefully I will be feeling physically healthy again soon. Hopefully by Monday I will be riding the city buses again so that I can spend a few hours loving children that will never have to experience that type of violence again since they have come to Mustard Seed, often as a result of it. Sure, Mustard Seed has its own problems, and the society definitely pervades even there. But at least I can love those children. At least I know they are being fed regularly. And for the most part they are not being beaten. And they to can learn to love again. Some, many, may never trust people again. But slowly....ever so slowly they are learning to trust my arms and my hands not to hurt them.
After getting home I walked down to the river right below Sophie's Place, where I live. I sat on the rocks and stared into the water. I laid back and listened to it rushing over the rocks and imagined I was next to just any river. You can't hear the constant noise down by the river. I wondered how much longer I can do this for. And the answer is - I don't know. I will go until I can go no more. I will go until I need a break. I will go until I can't go for one more day. And that day might be soon. Maybe it won't be for many more months. It is hard to know. Regardless, I know that I loved children. I learned lessons about the world and life that I never could have understood if I had never come. I have learned about myself.
I needed something just for myself. Something no one else might understand, but something that would make me happy. So -I looked around and not seeing anyone slipped under the cold cold water and let my hair down. It was so silent. So serene. I came back up and took a deep breath. I let myself fall under the water again and again. When I pulled myself up on the rock I took a deep breath. I can do this for one more day. I can do this for the next week. I can do this for as long as I can do this. And I don't know how long that will be. But at least for the next week. And I pray the living waters are flowing over me even if I don't feel them here. And I pray you are all praying hard for me. Because when I love them, you are loving them with me. You - the body of Christ for me. You - the living Eucharist for me.
With love and hope for the future, Angela Grace
